Sunday, December 6, 2009
To Yoshi
Today I am feeling some kind of way. I'm not really sure which way exactly. Just aware that its a feeling and that its indescribable. I feel joy because were in such a good place after a long time of not being. I feel sadness because I sometimes feel that all my energies and efforts arent reciprocated. I feel silly for feeling that way. I feel anxious at not knowing whats next and I feel wound down at the lack of control I am experiencing for the first time in my life. I am sad because youre not here and angry that I didn't ask you to stay and powerless because I couldn't. I feel stunted at the inability to express myself fully to you and cold and distant at the sub par effort. I feel jaded that you havent tried as hard and even more jaded because you probably don't know how. I feel safe when I'm near you and confined because I cant tell you so. I feel hesitant at asking what the next step is and excited to find out what that exactly is. I feel thankful that through everything you waited for me, patiently and skeptical as the reasons why you waited, patiently. Then ungrateful for my skepticism. I feel warm then cold, then warm, then cold then numb and nothingness. Then angry because the feelings are tied to you and then calm. I feel everything all at once and nothing all along. I just wanted to put this out there. In case you read this. I feel.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Pimpin aint easy?
Soooooo...The following post may or may not have happened. That is all.
So I recently decided to quit the pimp game. I know, I know..true pimps never quit but let me tell you how it went down. Lets name everyone first shall we?
Guy 1: That One Guy. I've talked about him before. I like him..like, like-like him.
Guy 2: Mr. Laundry List. Dude from high school. We were cough..close..cough friends. Now we're just hanging out. This is the guy who I almost posted about a couple of weeks ago.
Guy 3: Mr. Officer. Now, he's not a real cop and he got his name for other unrelated reasons, it's just funny okay? He's a newbie. I met him at my job he smelled good and had nice waves. Enough said.
Guy 4: Mr. Grinch..he..doesnt really count with his fairweather ass.
So, the only one of these people I have feelings for outside of warm fuzzy friendship feelings is That One Guy and I didnt think of myself as a psuedo-pimp until earlier this week when a series of events took place that sent my entire house of cards cascading down upon my head.
Monday I get a call from Mr. Officer, he wants to hang out this week. Now, the first thing you have to know about pimpin is that all your hoes..I mean..friends need special "me" time. I said sure and we made a tenative date for this afternoon. Later that day Mr. Laundry List calls. He's been tryna catch feelings for a few weeks now. He's not understanding the concept that I dont like him in that way and we had actually stopped talking for a few days because of his crazy behavior. He's upset because he knows about That One Guy and Mr. Officer and he doesnt want me spending time with them. I told him to read the script over and know his role and left it at that. Today Mr. Grinch called. Again, he doesnt count as we rarely see each other and its on some "I dont have anybody to see this movie with do you wanna go" type bullshit. He inexplicably wants to kick it..you guessed it Friday afternoon. I had no problem telling him no. He becomes upset, wonders about how I have so much time for everybody else and I cant even kick it with him once or twice a month. He's clearly confused about his role as well and as a good director I explained it to him again. This afternoon I get a call from Mr. Officer, he wants to hang out this weekend instead of Friday. This isnt good for me because 1. I have to work this weekend and 2. That One Guy would be around in there somewhere and out of all of them, he gets priority booking. I figured that now was as good a time as any to just come clean. He was really upset. Like..really. He thought that we had the makings of a relationship. Oops. I explained myself and the situation and he proceeded to go.the.fuck. off. Normally I would have exploded as well but I realized his anger was justified. After he had calmed down we discussed the situation. And what is the situation you might ask? Well, I like men. I always have. There is something so intriguing about maleness and I like to surround myself with them. It could be on some "daddy never hugged me" type mess but I heart them. Now surrounding myself with them and even entertaining more than one at a time doesnt mean I sleep with all of them. I only sleep with one person at a time, I dont have that nasty womans disease. This is in no offense to any of ya'll who like to double dip, it just aint me. I also need attention, what can I say? I'm the youngest child and the only girl. Without male attention I feel...I dont know, foreign? So because That One Guy lives in a different city I search for said attention elsewhere. Why not? I'm not technically doing anything wrong and I'm not ciphering any attention away from whatever it is that we have. I always make sure I put him first. So yeah. I decided today that this shit is not only confusing it is tiresom. So I offically denounce my pimp hand. It's weak as hell anyway. I'm just gonna revel in the friendships, the real ones not ones I flirted to gain, with males that wont interfere with the rest of my life, whatever that is.
Whew! Felt great to get that out!
Yes We Can..stop pimpin!
So I recently decided to quit the pimp game. I know, I know..true pimps never quit but let me tell you how it went down. Lets name everyone first shall we?
Guy 1: That One Guy. I've talked about him before. I like him..like, like-like him.
Guy 2: Mr. Laundry List. Dude from high school. We were cough..close..cough friends. Now we're just hanging out. This is the guy who I almost posted about a couple of weeks ago.
Guy 3: Mr. Officer. Now, he's not a real cop and he got his name for other unrelated reasons, it's just funny okay? He's a newbie. I met him at my job he smelled good and had nice waves. Enough said.
Guy 4: Mr. Grinch..he..doesnt really count with his fairweather ass.
So, the only one of these people I have feelings for outside of warm fuzzy friendship feelings is That One Guy and I didnt think of myself as a psuedo-pimp until earlier this week when a series of events took place that sent my entire house of cards cascading down upon my head.
Monday I get a call from Mr. Officer, he wants to hang out this week. Now, the first thing you have to know about pimpin is that all your hoes..I mean..friends need special "me" time. I said sure and we made a tenative date for this afternoon. Later that day Mr. Laundry List calls. He's been tryna catch feelings for a few weeks now. He's not understanding the concept that I dont like him in that way and we had actually stopped talking for a few days because of his crazy behavior. He's upset because he knows about That One Guy and Mr. Officer and he doesnt want me spending time with them. I told him to read the script over and know his role and left it at that. Today Mr. Grinch called. Again, he doesnt count as we rarely see each other and its on some "I dont have anybody to see this movie with do you wanna go" type bullshit. He inexplicably wants to kick it..you guessed it Friday afternoon. I had no problem telling him no. He becomes upset, wonders about how I have so much time for everybody else and I cant even kick it with him once or twice a month. He's clearly confused about his role as well and as a good director I explained it to him again. This afternoon I get a call from Mr. Officer, he wants to hang out this weekend instead of Friday. This isnt good for me because 1. I have to work this weekend and 2. That One Guy would be around in there somewhere and out of all of them, he gets priority booking. I figured that now was as good a time as any to just come clean. He was really upset. Like..really. He thought that we had the makings of a relationship. Oops. I explained myself and the situation and he proceeded to go.the.fuck. off. Normally I would have exploded as well but I realized his anger was justified. After he had calmed down we discussed the situation. And what is the situation you might ask? Well, I like men. I always have. There is something so intriguing about maleness and I like to surround myself with them. It could be on some "daddy never hugged me" type mess but I heart them. Now surrounding myself with them and even entertaining more than one at a time doesnt mean I sleep with all of them. I only sleep with one person at a time, I dont have that nasty womans disease. This is in no offense to any of ya'll who like to double dip, it just aint me. I also need attention, what can I say? I'm the youngest child and the only girl. Without male attention I feel...I dont know, foreign? So because That One Guy lives in a different city I search for said attention elsewhere. Why not? I'm not technically doing anything wrong and I'm not ciphering any attention away from whatever it is that we have. I always make sure I put him first. So yeah. I decided today that this shit is not only confusing it is tiresom. So I offically denounce my pimp hand. It's weak as hell anyway. I'm just gonna revel in the friendships, the real ones not ones I flirted to gain, with males that wont interfere with the rest of my life, whatever that is.
Whew! Felt great to get that out!
Yes We Can..stop pimpin!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
yup again
It is far too difficult to break off pieces of my affection for you
Crumble them up in tiny bits to smash into the corners of your pockets
I can no longer distinguish the parts of you from my own
and I feel that if I were to try
My core would be chipped away to nothingness and my soul would be left uncovered;
rotting in the brilliance of your smile
So instead of handing you shards of my broken being, I'll cut and paste us together
Sew us into one and cover over both our souls with the clay of our flesh
That way nothings too hard, no ones alone and nothings too difficult.
Crumble them up in tiny bits to smash into the corners of your pockets
I can no longer distinguish the parts of you from my own
and I feel that if I were to try
My core would be chipped away to nothingness and my soul would be left uncovered;
rotting in the brilliance of your smile
So instead of handing you shards of my broken being, I'll cut and paste us together
Sew us into one and cover over both our souls with the clay of our flesh
That way nothings too hard, no ones alone and nothings too difficult.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
yup
Reaching out a helping hand grasping in the darkness at nothing
You have once again failed to keep up your end of the bargain
How can I help you up if all you extend to me are fragments of time
Diamonds of sand slowly falling from the sky scattering across the ground
Helplessly held back by your own blockades you refuse to accept help
Running away while looking back you call out to me to save you
I cannnot pull you away from yourself. It is an impossible feat.
All I can do is reach.
You have once again failed to keep up your end of the bargain
How can I help you up if all you extend to me are fragments of time
Diamonds of sand slowly falling from the sky scattering across the ground
Helplessly held back by your own blockades you refuse to accept help
Running away while looking back you call out to me to save you
I cannnot pull you away from yourself. It is an impossible feat.
All I can do is reach.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Uniquely me
For most of my life I have been a weirdo. Not just a little weirdo...a BIG weirdo! I'm bizarre. I cant help it. Let's discuss this.
just look at that cuteness!
When I was very little we moved down south. My mom had a penchant for moving into neighborhoods with little or no Black people in them. She liked to be a trendsetter. Because of this I developed a love for Golf, Alternative music and Guitars. I was also exposed to the horrors of racism in the dirty South. Fair trade.
just the guys
I was also raised with all boys by a feminist mom. Lots of dungarees in my childhood. Lots. I had alot of male traits as a kid. I hung out with all boys, I got into sports in a big way. It was the only way my brothers would let me hang. I also got really into gaming. I can kick most dudes ass at StreetFighter. I liked Science a predominantly male field. My brothers are 5,6 and 7 years older than me. Add to that the fact that my father and his family were absent for the majority of my formative years, I was pretty much an only child. I learned to be by myself and therefore internalize most of my conversations. I laugh when people call me quiet cuz my brain is loud as hell!
Strangely, the schools I went to in the South were...shall we say...further along than the ones up North. Consequently when I moved up North I found them slightly behind. I was done with school Junior Year. I went another to hang out..and because you weren't allowed to do anything else here in God's Country. I also became somewhat Afrocentric. I love my race and the amazing things about us!
believe it or not, I was smarter than you were at this age
I have dealt with alot of things that people my age couldn't dream of. These things have aged me more mentally than my peers. So...what do ya get when you add all of that together?
ME! A 23 year old pre-med student with a penchant for random facts that don't matter to anyone, music, movies, games and electronics. I also have troubles with my feelings. I hate commitments and would really rather not be tied down. Hence me liking the same guy for 4 years. I'm nowhere as expressive as other chicks my age. I'm emotionally stunted lol. I like clothes no one else will. I pick weird animals. I listen to music my friends have never heard of. I HEART Manga (Naruto Shippuden is my shit!) I love black and white photography (it makes our skin look soooooo good). I love black men with passion and fervour (especially nice smelling ones with waves that make me nauseous) I have a passion for black Greeks. They go through alot for their passion and I will too one day. I love the Lord and I think sex is amazing. Indie Rock is my shit. I like domestic activities and I get WAYYYYY too into History and Literature.
I used to be annoyed with people calling me a weirdo now I embrace it. I've realized it's not so much being a weirdo as being different. And by being different I am being myself. God placed us here to be different. So today I challenge you to get like me and be yourself.
Aint I a cutie?
YES WE CAN (be ourselves)
T shot ya!
Hey peeps!
I saw this 22 fact thing on a random blog I ran across and I likes it so you know what that means!!!!! The idea is to post just facts that no one would know with out you telling them, no explanations. Here we go!
1. I don't like most vegetables.
2. I can play four instruments
3. Besides God, music is my best friend
4. I get along with males more than females
5. I picked my favorite color to go against the grain and just kept it.
6. My favorite color is green
7. I had a quick temper as a kid
8. I like being a weirdo
9. I consciously changed my accent after I moved up North
10. Child pageants weird me out
11. I used to golf, I could only do well when I got pissed off
12. I've seen ALOT of movies
13. I have brothers but was raised mostly as an only child
14. I have a thing for electronic gadgets
15. I've liked the same guy for FOUR years
16. I'm a commitmentphobe
17. I have a rare turtle
18. I prefer Black and White pictures
19. I'm afraid to try hard drugs
20. Secretly, I like dressing up in pretty dresses
21. I sleep with a teddy bear
22. I believe in ghosts
YES WE CAN be random
I saw this 22 fact thing on a random blog I ran across and I likes it so you know what that means!!!!! The idea is to post just facts that no one would know with out you telling them, no explanations. Here we go!
1. I don't like most vegetables.
2. I can play four instruments
3. Besides God, music is my best friend
4. I get along with males more than females
5. I picked my favorite color to go against the grain and just kept it.
6. My favorite color is green
7. I had a quick temper as a kid
8. I like being a weirdo
9. I consciously changed my accent after I moved up North
10. Child pageants weird me out
11. I used to golf, I could only do well when I got pissed off
12. I've seen ALOT of movies
13. I have brothers but was raised mostly as an only child
14. I have a thing for electronic gadgets
15. I've liked the same guy for FOUR years
16. I'm a commitmentphobe
17. I have a rare turtle
18. I prefer Black and White pictures
19. I'm afraid to try hard drugs
20. Secretly, I like dressing up in pretty dresses
21. I sleep with a teddy bear
22. I believe in ghosts
YES WE CAN be random
Monday, March 30, 2009
You cant handle the truth
Whazzup?! Remember that? If not check it out..
I picked that version cuz Laz Alonso made a lil' cameo there at the end..and we all know how much I heart Laz (and if you dont know now ya know..)
I was totally about to post about this disturbing situation I had this evening but upon further inspection, now that my blog is no longer private and anyone can just wander through, I've decided to censor it so that I dont incriminate my self or others in the process. LOL! So. Nothin happened. Nothing..at all...If you want to know PM me and I'll share the info with you lol!
In the meantime "yes we can" tell lies and all that shit lol!
I picked that version cuz Laz Alonso made a lil' cameo there at the end..and we all know how much I heart Laz (and if you dont know now ya know..)
I was totally about to post about this disturbing situation I had this evening but upon further inspection, now that my blog is no longer private and anyone can just wander through, I've decided to censor it so that I dont incriminate my self or others in the process. LOL! So. Nothin happened. Nothing..at all...If you want to know PM me and I'll share the info with you lol!
In the meantime "yes we can" tell lies and all that shit lol!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Fuck up List
I forgot to post about the heffa at the ATM who broke it this afternoon. I was in a rush cuz I had forgot my insurance payment was due and AAA dont be playin about they money. They will qut yo ass..fa real. I called and told them I was gonna be two days late with a payment and they told me that not only were they going to send my payment through once it bounced they were gonna send it back and THEN cancel my policy! WHAT THE HELL?! Anyway, I rushed out to the ATM and in front of me stood Keisha in all her Friday glee.
Like this but with more Baby Phat swagger. Now boys and girls, what would she be doing to piss me off other than breathing Gods good air? Was it
A. Talking on the phone REALLY LOUD
B. Textin someone, prolly her baby's daddy while arbitrarily pressing buttons on the machine
C. Rummaing through her purse like it didnt belong to her
D. All of the above?
YES! You guessed it ALL OF THE ABOVE! What the peach cream? She was killing me HARDLY! She was so loud I couldnt hear the cries of my soul as I squashed it's plan to bash her head in with a bottle of windshield wiper fluid. Then she hangs up the phone and starts TEXTING?! What.the.fuck? While she's texting she starts randomly tapping buttons and takes out like 200 American dollars..over THREE transactions. WHAT WHAT WHAT?! Why didnt she just do it all at once? Then she starts digging in her Baby Phat purse and counting money like she didnt know how much she needed! Then she wanders away because the machine is broken and then walks back to it looking dazed. I REALLY wanted to kill her. Instead I went inside, before she could gather the brain power to make the same decision, and made my transaction in like 3 minutes! Whoever you were, I hate your dreams and ambitions.
This is for you
Yes We Can (bother the hell out of me)
Like this but with more Baby Phat swagger. Now boys and girls, what would she be doing to piss me off other than breathing Gods good air? Was it
A. Talking on the phone REALLY LOUD
B. Textin someone, prolly her baby's daddy while arbitrarily pressing buttons on the machine
C. Rummaing through her purse like it didnt belong to her
D. All of the above?
YES! You guessed it ALL OF THE ABOVE! What the peach cream? She was killing me HARDLY! She was so loud I couldnt hear the cries of my soul as I squashed it's plan to bash her head in with a bottle of windshield wiper fluid. Then she hangs up the phone and starts TEXTING?! What.the.fuck? While she's texting she starts randomly tapping buttons and takes out like 200 American dollars..over THREE transactions. WHAT WHAT WHAT?! Why didnt she just do it all at once? Then she starts digging in her Baby Phat purse and counting money like she didnt know how much she needed! Then she wanders away because the machine is broken and then walks back to it looking dazed. I REALLY wanted to kill her. Instead I went inside, before she could gather the brain power to make the same decision, and made my transaction in like 3 minutes! Whoever you were, I hate your dreams and ambitions.
This is for you
Yes We Can (bother the hell out of me)
Silverfish
I for the first portion of my life was pretty much a tom-boy. I was raised with three older brothers and their friends. Not to mention my mom being a life long tom-boy her damn self. Dont believe me peep exhibits A and B:
A.
B.
Look at that HAIR! What the hell was she thinking?! And the platform white kicks with the 99? What you know about that?! LOL! *
I digress...
I played sports and hung out with the boys and even played the instrument least frequented by girls, the french horn, in band. There were just two things I refused to do. 1. Get dirty and 2. Be in the vicinity of bugs. Bugs creep me the HELL out! All of them. Even ants. I hate them. When I was younger I'd RUN, like take off like I was at the blocks, at the sight of bugs. I understand they have a purpose but I'ts not in my life. When we moved to this house there were a crapload of Centipedes here. A crapload! For those of you who dont know what this UNGODLY looking creature is BEHOLD!
I almost threw up finding this picture. Sersly.
The straw that broke the frickin camels back was when one ran past me while I was sitting on the floor! What kind of household do you live in where you cant even sit on the damn floor undisturbed? HUH?! I quickly called Orkin and they've been coming ever since.
like this but cooler
He got rid of all my bugs and we continue to pay him. So why in the hell did I just kill a silverfish kickin it on my platform bed! WHAT THE FUCK?! This is not okay! For those who dont know what these bitches look like BEHOLD..AGAIN!
They're like Centipedes lil cousins so I understand why it could be in the house BUT WHY THE FUCK WAS IT ON MY BED?! They frequent bath tubs and sinks for the water..MY WOODEN BED HAS NO WATER ON IT!
Oh shit. It just occured to me that I leave glasses of water on my night stand overnight. What if it lived in one? Oh God. I have to go throw up.
YES WE CAN (kill bugs)
* I grew out of it! It just took me a decade or so.
A.
B.
Look at that HAIR! What the hell was she thinking?! And the platform white kicks with the 99? What you know about that?! LOL! *
I digress...
I played sports and hung out with the boys and even played the instrument least frequented by girls, the french horn, in band. There were just two things I refused to do. 1. Get dirty and 2. Be in the vicinity of bugs. Bugs creep me the HELL out! All of them. Even ants. I hate them. When I was younger I'd RUN, like take off like I was at the blocks, at the sight of bugs. I understand they have a purpose but I'ts not in my life. When we moved to this house there were a crapload of Centipedes here. A crapload! For those of you who dont know what this UNGODLY looking creature is BEHOLD!
I almost threw up finding this picture. Sersly.
The straw that broke the frickin camels back was when one ran past me while I was sitting on the floor! What kind of household do you live in where you cant even sit on the damn floor undisturbed? HUH?! I quickly called Orkin and they've been coming ever since.
like this but cooler
He got rid of all my bugs and we continue to pay him. So why in the hell did I just kill a silverfish kickin it on my platform bed! WHAT THE FUCK?! This is not okay! For those who dont know what these bitches look like BEHOLD..AGAIN!
They're like Centipedes lil cousins so I understand why it could be in the house BUT WHY THE FUCK WAS IT ON MY BED?! They frequent bath tubs and sinks for the water..MY WOODEN BED HAS NO WATER ON IT!
Oh shit. It just occured to me that I leave glasses of water on my night stand overnight. What if it lived in one? Oh God. I have to go throw up.
YES WE CAN (kill bugs)
* I grew out of it! It just took me a decade or so.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
blogging while drunk
Hola,
I know, I know baby, it's been a while.. I've been extra busy lately and I at least tried to post some things right? RIGHT? Anywho, Life has been super so lets update kay?
Yeah, my mom has a New, Newer, Newest boyfriend. He's a simpleton like Forrest.Rather Bubba from Forrest. And his breath smells. And he didnt graduated high school, not even middle school. And he's unemployed. And thats all I have to say about that.
I've become a twitter addict. I blame diddy.
*
This is my new Bestie Jamie! Say hello! I love her, she makes me smile. Also, she's one of the few people on earth I feel actually understands my comedy so yeah. SHES A KEEPER!
There are many more things that have changed including my Wii Fit scolding me, what the fuck?, but this booze is kicking in and that Anthony Hamilton is calling my name! Listen for yourself!
Can we be in love with singers we will never meet?
YES WE CAN!
*That is HER picture, that she took HERSELF! I didnt do it!
I know, I know baby, it's been a while.. I've been extra busy lately and I at least tried to post some things right? RIGHT? Anywho, Life has been super so lets update kay?
Yeah, my mom has a New, Newer, Newest boyfriend. He's a simpleton like Forrest.Rather Bubba from Forrest. And his breath smells. And he didnt graduated high school, not even middle school. And he's unemployed. And thats all I have to say about that.
I've become a twitter addict. I blame diddy.
*
This is my new Bestie Jamie! Say hello! I love her, she makes me smile. Also, she's one of the few people on earth I feel actually understands my comedy so yeah. SHES A KEEPER!
There are many more things that have changed including my Wii Fit scolding me, what the fuck?, but this booze is kicking in and that Anthony Hamilton is calling my name! Listen for yourself!
Can we be in love with singers we will never meet?
YES WE CAN!
*That is HER picture, that she took HERSELF! I didnt do it!
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HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY
sure
