There but by the Grace of God...

..Goes I.
I just heard this story about a girl my friend coaches. She's only 13, in 8th grade and she's slorin in a MAJOR way. She's already known as a school bop. For y'all not from round these parts a bop is a whore or a thirsty(for male attention)male/female. They had to send her home early because multiple girls wanted to fight her for slorin around with their significant others..You know how Lil' kids are..blame the other female instead of asking why "your man" was even in that situation. Now, the next part is intense. Not just because of her age but because of the gravity of the situation. Why don't you have a seat...go ahead. I'll wait........Okay. She was caught on the side of her apartment building having sex with two boys...yeah. She was in one of two situations that I wont go into because these are children and that's porn. Whats worse is that the ENTIRE school knows. This is sad for a multitude of reasons. First, the obvious, WHY IS A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FUCKIN TWO DUDES?!! OUTSIDE?!!!!!! What does she dislike about herself so much that she would allow herself to be used in this manner? Second, where the FUCK is her mother? This kid is still in school, still on a basketball team, still kickin it with dudes?! What the EFF?!! If the entire school knows, why dont her parents? Does she have parents? At least one? If this child is not only sexually active but sexually advanced it's clear she learned it from somewhere so I'ma just come right out and say it.."who is touching this child?" Even in our overly sexual society little girls aint fuckin two dudes..OUTSIDE. This is a learned behavior. Why dont her parents care? Why the fuck hasn't a school official had a "come to Jesus" meeting with her?! Why?!
I was molested as a kid. I dont hide that fact as I have nothing to hide from. I know that pain and I know that shame. What upsets me is that I had support. I had someone tell me that there was nothing wrong with me. That I was good and priceless. I can only look at what this kid does as a cry for help. A loud one. Someone needs to sit down with her YESTERDAY and get to the bottom of this. Someone needs to get her out of whatever situation she's in that has her so low. I dont know why I wrote this. I guess I just wanted to put that out there. If you have a daughter/sister/niece/cousin/auntee(you know who ya'll are) hug her and tell her you love her. Tell her she's priceless and loved. Tell her no man is worth her sanity or her body.Tell her something. Yes we can.

To Yoshi

Today I am feeling some kind of way. I'm not really sure which way exactly. Just aware that its a feeling and that its indescribable. I feel joy because were in such a good place after a long time of not being. I feel sadness because I sometimes feel that all my energies and efforts arent reciprocated. I feel silly for feeling that way. I feel anxious at not knowing whats next and I feel wound down at the lack of control I am experiencing for the first time in my life. I am sad because youre not here and angry that I didn't ask you to stay and powerless because I couldn't. I feel stunted at the inability to express myself fully to you and cold and distant at the sub par effort. I feel jaded that you havent tried as hard and even more jaded because you probably don't know how. I feel safe when I'm near you and confined because I cant tell you so. I feel hesitant at asking what the next step is and excited to find out what that exactly is. I feel thankful that through everything you waited for me, patiently and skeptical as the reasons why you waited, patiently. Then ungrateful for my skepticism. I feel warm then cold, then warm, then cold then numb and nothingness. Then angry because the feelings are tied to you and then calm. I feel everything all at once and nothing all along. I just wanted to put this out there. In case you read this. I feel.

Pimpin aint easy?

Soooooo...The following post may or may not have happened. That is all.

So I recently decided to quit the pimp game. I know, I know..true pimps never quit but let me tell you how it went down. Lets name everyone first shall we?
Guy 1: That One Guy. I've talked about him before. I like him..like, like-like him.
Guy 2: Mr. Laundry List. Dude from high school. We were cough..close..cough friends. Now we're just hanging out. This is the guy who I almost posted about a couple of weeks ago.
Guy 3: Mr. Officer. Now, he's not a real cop and he got his name for other unrelated reasons, it's just funny okay? He's a newbie. I met him at my job he smelled good and had nice waves. Enough said.
Guy 4: Mr. Grinch..he..doesnt really count with his fairweather ass.
So, the only one of these people I have feelings for outside of warm fuzzy friendship feelings is That One Guy and I didnt think of myself as a psuedo-pimp until earlier this week when a series of events took place that sent my entire house of cards cascading down upon my head.
Monday I get a call from Mr. Officer, he wants to hang out this week. Now, the first thing you have to know about pimpin is that all your hoes..I mean..friends need special "me" time. I said sure and we made a tenative date for this afternoon. Later that day Mr. Laundry List calls. He's been tryna catch feelings for a few weeks now. He's not understanding the concept that I dont like him in that way and we had actually stopped talking for a few days because of his crazy behavior. He's upset because he knows about That One Guy and Mr. Officer and he doesnt want me spending time with them. I told him to read the script over and know his role and left it at that. Today Mr. Grinch called. Again, he doesnt count as we rarely see each other and its on some "I dont have anybody to see this movie with do you wanna go" type bullshit. He inexplicably wants to kick it..you guessed it Friday afternoon. I had no problem telling him no. He becomes upset, wonders about how I have so much time for everybody else and I cant even kick it with him once or twice a month. He's clearly confused about his role as well and as a good director I explained it to him again. This afternoon I get a call from Mr. Officer, he wants to hang out this weekend instead of Friday. This isnt good for me because 1. I have to work this weekend and 2. That One Guy would be around in there somewhere and out of all of them, he gets priority booking. I figured that now was as good a time as any to just come clean. He was really upset. Like..really. He thought that we had the makings of a relationship. Oops. I explained myself and the situation and he proceeded to go.the.fuck. off. Normally I would have exploded as well but I realized his anger was justified. After he had calmed down we discussed the situation. And what is the situation you might ask? Well, I like men. I always have. There is something so intriguing about maleness and I like to surround myself with them. It could be on some "daddy never hugged me" type mess but I heart them. Now surrounding myself with them and even entertaining more than one at a time doesnt mean I sleep with all of them. I only sleep with one person at a time, I dont have that nasty womans disease. This is in no offense to any of ya'll who like to double dip, it just aint me. I also need attention, what can I say? I'm the youngest child and the only girl. Without male attention I feel...I dont know, foreign? So because That One Guy lives in a different city I search for said attention elsewhere. Why not? I'm not technically doing anything wrong and I'm not ciphering any attention away from whatever it is that we have. I always make sure I put him first. So yeah. I decided today that this shit is not only confusing it is tiresom. So I offically denounce my pimp hand. It's weak as hell anyway. I'm just gonna revel in the friendships, the real ones not ones I flirted to gain, with males that wont interfere with the rest of my life, whatever that is.
Whew! Felt great to get that out!
Yes We Can..stop pimpin!

yup again

It is far too difficult to break off pieces of my affection for you
Crumble them up in tiny bits to smash into the corners of your pockets
I can no longer distinguish the parts of you from my own
and I feel that if I were to try
My core would be chipped away to nothingness and my soul would be left uncovered;
rotting in the brilliance of your smile
So instead of handing you shards of my broken being, I'll cut and paste us together
Sew us into one and cover over both our souls with the clay of our flesh
That way nothings too hard, no ones alone and nothings too difficult.

yup

Reaching out a helping hand grasping in the darkness at nothing
You have once again failed to keep up your end of the bargain
How can I help you up if all you extend to me are fragments of time
Diamonds of sand slowly falling from the sky scattering across the ground
Helplessly held back by your own blockades you refuse to accept help
Running away while looking back you call out to me to save you
I cannnot pull you away from yourself. It is an impossible feat.
All I can do is reach.

Swear Jar

"Can I borrow a pen?....Can I borrow you're fucking pen?"




Yes We Can..swear!

Uniquely me

For most of my life I have been a weirdo. Not just a little weirdo...a BIG weirdo! I'm bizarre. I cant help it. Let's discuss this.





just look at that cuteness!



When I was very little we moved down south. My mom had a penchant for moving into neighborhoods with little or no Black people in them. She liked to be a trendsetter. Because of this I developed a love for Golf, Alternative music and Guitars. I was also exposed to the horrors of racism in the dirty South. Fair trade.




just the guys


I was also raised with all boys by a feminist mom. Lots of dungarees in my childhood. Lots. I had alot of male traits as a kid. I hung out with all boys, I got into sports in a big way. It was the only way my brothers would let me hang. I also got really into gaming. I can kick most dudes ass at StreetFighter. I liked Science a predominantly male field. My brothers are 5,6 and 7 years older than me. Add to that the fact that my father and his family were absent for the majority of my formative years, I was pretty much an only child. I learned to be by myself and therefore internalize most of my conversations. I laugh when people call me quiet cuz my brain is loud as hell!

Strangely, the schools I went to in the South were...shall we say...further along than the ones up North. Consequently when I moved up North I found them slightly behind. I was done with school Junior Year. I went another to hang out..and because you weren't allowed to do anything else here in God's Country. I also became somewhat Afrocentric. I love my race and the amazing things about us!


believe it or not, I was smarter than you were at this age


I have dealt with alot of things that people my age couldn't dream of. These things have aged me more mentally than my peers. So...what do ya get when you add all of that together?





ME! A 23 year old pre-med student with a penchant for random facts that don't matter to anyone, music, movies, games and electronics. I also have troubles with my feelings. I hate commitments and would really rather not be tied down. Hence me liking the same guy for 4 years. I'm nowhere as expressive as other chicks my age. I'm emotionally stunted lol. I like clothes no one else will. I pick weird animals. I listen to music my friends have never heard of. I HEART Manga (Naruto Shippuden is my shit!) I love black and white photography (it makes our skin look soooooo good). I love black men with passion and fervour (especially nice smelling ones with waves that make me nauseous) I have a passion for black Greeks. They go through alot for their passion and I will too one day. I love the Lord and I think sex is amazing. Indie Rock is my shit. I like domestic activities and I get WAYYYYY too into History and Literature.
I used to be annoyed with people calling me a weirdo now I embrace it. I've realized it's not so much being a weirdo as being different. And by being different I am being myself. God placed us here to be different. So today I challenge you to get like me and be yourself.



Aint I a cutie?


YES WE CAN (be ourselves)